Thursday, February 14, 2013

Awkward Moments: In Which I Say "Jazzercise" More Times Than Anyone Else Has in Decades

About a week ago I was huddled against the cold inside my car waiting for my gas to finish pumping when a random 30ish looking guy, who was headed inside, slowed down, pointed at me with both fingers and said, "heeeeey YMCA, alright". His "alright" was punctuated by the usage of his fingers like a gun, "all" *bang* "right *bang*, and he pulled his hands back like he'd shot me with each syllable. Thrown off by his general awkwardness and a physical gesture I tend to mentally pair with sleazy characters, I stared at him with a perplexed expression until he pointed at my YMCA parking pass which I had completely forgotten about in the moment. I uttered a non-committal "...yeah..." not really sure what he was wanting from me unless it was praise for his ability to recognize letters. He approached my door - which is exactly what I want at night, in my shady neighborhood, by a total stranger who is clearly insane - and said, "it's just that I work there, it's cool that you go man, which gym do use?". I told him about the one near work that I use, leaving out the one closer to home that I prefer, just in case he was trying to stalk me so that he could stare lustily at my bum from across the locker room, possibly making gun gestures at it then winking slyly.

Turns out, the very gym I was trying to scapegoat was the one at which he works. 
"Groovy, groovy, that's where I work! I actually I teach the jazzercise class there." 
Is jazzercise even a thing anymore? I mean, the guy still says "groovy" so I didn't want to question him and accidentally shock him out of some sort of time-lapse stupor he was in and cause mental trama, like that old myth about waking up a sleep-walker. Maybe he was an extra on Lost, so I had to be careful.

All I know for certain is that my spellchecker has never heard of jazzercise. I know back in the 80s it was a big deal, but did it actually survive the 90s and 00s? I figured at best it made it to the late 90s before passing away with minimal fanfare. I hear about zumba and body-pump and all that constantly, but I'm pretty sure I've not even HEARD the word "jazzercise" in 15 years.

"Jazzercise?", I said, the question and disbelief clear in my voice.
"Oh yeah, jazzercise is hot right now", he claimed.

Jazzercise is hot right now. That's an actual phrase someone said to me in real life.

Unbidden, he started telling me how he used to sell those homeless newspapers, "The Contributor", for a long time but how things had picked up for him lately and - at this point he reached into his pocket and pulled out a giant wad of cash that was all one dollar bills as best I could tell - he was "rolling in it."
"Not only do I make some sweet dough, I get all the 60 year old p**** [hint: lady parts] that I can handle."


Aside from that being an extremely awkward thing to say to a stranger (a stranger who was acutely aware of how loud the guy was talking and that the gas station was extremely crowded), why he, as a 30 year old man, would brag about his sexy times with women twice his age I couldn't fathom. Not that there's not some pretty 60 year olds in the world. Mary Steenburgen is still rockin' it, but I'm guessing she's not in his class. Regardless, it's an unusual claim to fame.

I couldn't help myself. I said, "...Sixty?"
"Hey man, p**** is p**** no matter how long it's marinated."
Thanks for that word poetry, Don Juan.

Mercifully my gas finished at this time and I was trying to get out of there when he said I should come by the class sometime. Hoping that wasn't a pick-up line, I declined, saying I didn't think jazzercise was really my thing.

"Who cares if it is your thing, just come for the ladies. If you can't get laid in there, you can't get laid at all."
And I guess I can't because, despite being single, I'm not going to start trolling jazzercise classes for the elderly.

The moral of this story is, ladies, avoid the jazzercise class at the Maryland Farms YMCA. Possibly that YMCA in general. And jazzercise.

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