Sunday, February 21, 2010

I'll Keep Digging

It has been an interesting few weeks. I recently met someone who showed me something very unexpected. She showed me that I still had the capacity to get excited about getting to know someone. That may sound silly to possibly everyone who isn't me, but it's been a long time since I've known that feeling. So long in fact that I was beginning to think I had lost the ability and that something was wrong with me. It's nice to learn you're not dead inside.

I was inspired. I'm very aware of the hang-ups from the past that I have. So I decided to emotionally and physically purge all the old relationship baggage I've been dragging around for so many years. Old notes/letters/emails? Burned and deleted. Regret over relationships that went awry in the past? Get that out of here. And even the most recent where I don't even know what happened because the person refuses to communicate? One last contact attempt to try and get some closure. No responses. She must not be worth the time. I moved on.

It felt good to have that burden off my shoulders. I wanted to go into this without clinging on to anything that might hinder me. Finally, here was someone I was ready to do that for. Someone who really deserved it.

The downside to learning that you still have the capacity to feel excitement for someone is learning that, when that person decides things aren't going to work out, you
certainly still have the capacity to feel heartache. I learned that lesson this morning.

As depressing as it is, I have to look at the positive side and be glad something good came out of it even if it didn't go how I'd hoped. I just have to take care and not let her be the first baggage I carry to the next relationship. I can already feel the weight on my shoulders.

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life; I know you'll be a sun.
In somebody else's sky but why...
why can't it be mine?

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Layers of Complexity

As I begin to close in on turning 30, I look back and wonder how I could have ever possibly thought I would have met a proverbial "the one" by now. I clearly recall believing any other outcome was impossible. 25 at the latest, I assumed. But at 20, turning 30 seemed decades away.
I would see TV shows where the characters were around 30 and they were struggling to meet their significant other and I thought to myself, "how sad that must be, I'm glad that will never happen to me" which goes to show you that my goal of "become a psychic by 30" didn't exactly pan out either. Of course it may even be that I did meet this person, but didn't know enough at the time to handle it the way it should have been handled.

I am just now getting to a point where I feel like I might be ready to meet said individual, despite all the past years where I was impatient for it. There's so much to right about yourself first, how is anyone ever ready at a young age? I won't be bold enough to claim they aren't but I can say I certainly wasn't ready and I have been witness to many friends who haven't been ready. Some realized it then, some are realizing it only just now. I feel everyone should be given a do-over for the last decade when you hit 30. It only seems fair.

It's taken a lot of effort to get where I am today, and I see so many improvements yet to make that is can be overwhelming. I've had to take so much time to learn who I am. A continually evolving process, often painful when you discover things about yourself that you don't like. A lot of the time I still wonder about me.

I've had to learn how to let go of a few people from the past. I managed that only very recently after I finally understood how damaging it was to me and the vast array of other problems it was causing. How I missed it all this time is a mystery because when the revelation came, it was an iron-fisted backhand to the face. Not to mention everyone else noticed. But really, who takes advice?

Then there was a long stretch of time - partly due to the previous issue - where I was completely unable to feel any excitement for another person that you need to feel to be anything more than friends. I had forgotten what it was like to feel that tug deep inside about someone that kept you up at night wondering just how you could be part of this person's life? How do I become important to such an amazing individual? Making that happen of course is a whole different set of complications. I'm still working on that one.

After resolving a few personal issues, I was forced to examine the growing level of complexity that is involved in meeting people. There's a lot more to it than simply introducing yourself to someone new, no matter what people claim.
As a younger guy, there wasn't really much I had to concern myself with; did the girl like me and was she dating anyone? Oh, if only it was so simple now.
As I grew a little older I had to start worrying if they were married. I recall the very second this happened. Walking down the boring, white hall of the community college, 3 feet behind a girl, trying to work up the nerve to speak with her. She was short, with curly shoulder length hair that often fell in her face. She walked too fast. As I opened my mouth to awkwardly say hello, she brushed her hair back behind her ears with her left hand. She had an engagement ring on. Suddenly my view of meeting women went from a simple two part problem ("yes I like you", "no I don't") to a complex, rubik's cube puzzle that would punch you right in the soul every time you turned a layer the wrong way. Something inside me died that day.
As I grew older still, I had to consider that they might have kids. And, yes, I realize that this and the previous complication could easily be in an alternate order. Finally, the last few years I'm noticing that a lot of people my age are realizing they made a mistake early on and are getting divorced by the boat-load. And I tell you that dating someone who has been divorced (in my experience) is a different animal.

There's so many things to balance. So many things to get right. How can anyone expect anyone else to get everything right? But requirements get more and more strict. I know mine do.
Even when I think I'm on top of things, I often miss something minor yet vital. I can be oblivious when I've fooled myself into thinking I was being perceptive. But I've been trying to think of it as a chance to improve rather than as a weight stacking against my odds.

It's a lot to juggle but I'm sure the right person is worth it. I am waiting to find out.

Monday, February 01, 2010

I've Watched You Change

I am continually surprised with how people's feelings or attitude change for no apparent reason, overnight. If I could trade a year of my life for 5 minutes wandering around in someone's brain to unravel these mysteries, I'd do so without hesitation. A year is rather a short period when you consider how much time I ponder over these changes with no hope of finding answers on my own. Constantly searching, never discovering.

If people could be more forthcoming with reasoning, life would be simpler. In a good way, not in a diminishing way. But I'm guilty of a little secrecy, myself. It's easy for me to say all of this, despite how easy it is to misunderstand my own feelings. I never know what I'm thinking, why should I expect more from others? Yet I do. I realize the injustice in this but I'm powerless to control it. It's not that I feel it's required for everyone but me to be more in-tune with themselves, but I simply feel the need of a little clarify every now and again. For my own sanity.

People can be so secretive about what is going on in their minds. I need some brutal honesty for a change. Untie this string that you use to drag me along and allow me to get my footing for once.

I have improvements I need to make. The next time someone changes so dramatically, or vanishes, I should allow it. I should let them disappear from my mind instead of mentally chasing them forever. I don't have the stamina for long pursuits anymore and I've yet to let anyone fully diminish. I'm exhausted.

Dramatic gestures have always failed me; it's time to simplify.

And maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong, but tonight you're on my mind, never know