Thursday, January 17, 2013

Did Technology Stick Me In A Mediocre Existence?

I often wonder if technology has ruined my life. "Ruin" is a bit strong considering technology is how I pay the bills, and have for years now. But there's no doubt that the rise of technology in my teens changed the direction of my life significantly. Of course, that can be said for many people. 

I have always had a very addictive personality... I get it from my father. If I get a fire under me about something, it is often hard for me to put it out. It's the reason I never started drinking when I was younger, the reason I never touched drugs. If I had, I have little doubt I'd have ended up an alcoholic or drug addict. Instead, it seems, I became addicted to technology and it only recently occurred to me how much it may have affected my life.

In the '90s I became addicted, an addiction I eventually focused into a career, and by the mid-to-late 2000s I was able to get the addiction under control. I still use tech too much though, often at the expense of productivity/self-improvement.

That path shift caused by said addiction wasn't all bad - being able to eat is awesome - but it did have some costs. It partially helped destroy an important early relationship in my life. Additionally, I feel it stunted my social growth in a way in which I've never fully recovered. It also, I only just realized in the last few years, took me off the road to accomplishing various dreams I had when I was younger and still, on occasion  feel bouncing around somewhere deep down inside of me. Sure, those dreams may have been rather far-fetched, so much so that I'd not admit them to any but my closest friends. But there was still a chance, no matter how slim, and I would rather have tried to reach them and failed instead of what I did, which was simply not try and still failed. I'm not the best writer and thus I do not have the ability to adequately relay to you the disappointment I feel in myself for that.

Lately I wonder, is it too late? The adult part of me laughs at the old dreams, tells me to buckle down and accept this 9-5 desk life. Young-Me thinks Adult-Me has become a sell-out and settled on things that should never be settled on. There's some powerful inner turmoil, not unlike the conflict in my mind when my religious and scientific sides try to settle their differences. 

Right now, I have no idea whose side to take. They both have valid points. But I can't help but think of that saying how, when you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do far more than the things you did.

And in truth, I've never really felt like an adult.