Thursday, July 29, 2010

Someone Has Poisoned the Waterhole

As I was walking by a friend's desk at work today, I took note that he was drinking a Dr. Pepper from an odd looking can. So I stole it from him to take back with me and snap a photo. Here is the can in question, my water bottle looking on jealously from the background (but keeping his spirits high):

Dun dun dun duuuuuun
This can is obviously of design most retro and I found the slogan to be a bit odd because the "Drink A Bite To Eat" and "At 10-2 and 4 O'Clock" are so disjointed and I initially didn't realize they belonged together.

None of the matters however, because I simply wanted to point out the dastardly looking gentleman in the window. I don't know if he is the Dr. Pepper, the Penguin, the Monopoly Guy's relative, or just some random soda drinker, but his facial expression makes me feel that, were he my doctor, I'd want to get a second opinion on whatever diagnosis he gave me. And if he's the fellow who made the beverage, it has clearly been poisoned.

I also find his choice in eye-wear most curious. The type of man this is plus the slender cord clearly indicate that the lenses were meant to be monocles with the obvious exception that there are two of them. And they are connected in the center as regular glasses would be. So I thought perhaps the cords connected to the lens - assuming another cord is hidden by the left side of his face - were simply to keep them from falling off, but it is not draped over his neck.

Old school design is very strange to me.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Cleaning Up, Moving On

(Do you ever jot down random, orderless thoughts onto a notepad? That's what this is. Except with numbers. Prepare for very scattered thoughts)

1) This past month has been interesting. Tough, but probably something I needed to shock me into much needed action. Why did I decide to spend all this time being there for someone who was never there for me? I have no idea. Sometimes I make foolish decisions. But I've cleaned out all this clutter and I'm starting fresh. It's going to be a good. I don't easily get into a funk, and I think this is the longest one I've had in quite a while. Being grim and droll just isn't my style. I'm pleased that those (funky) clouds are passing.

2) I was reminded recently by someone I haven't known all that long that there are still unique people out there who are truly individuals. And that pretty much made my day. I can't recall the last time the sheer force of someone's personality blew me away, but it's a fantastic thing to experience.

3) Work life has been a bit up and down lately. My company was recently sold - well, not my company or I'd not have anything to worry about - so we've all been quite unsure about the future. For some reason, the uncertainty hasn't bothered me as it probably should have, though I'm sure a day was coming where it might start stressing me out. But I had a hard time not seeing this as an opportunity.

Yesterday at last we were given some news and it is quite favorable for me. Much better than I anticipated. Sadly, I won't be able to retire, but I'm thinking that this time next year I might finally be able to take a decent stretch of time off and go see some of the places I've been wanting to visit for so long. Machu Picchu and the Blue Hole in Belize are high on my list.

But for now I'd be happy with any [oil free] beach as I've not been in a number of years, and surely it cannot be healthy to spend so long a time without smelling ocean air, hearing the crashing of waves and feeling sand between your toes.

4) I'm sad that I will miss hang-gliding YET AGAIN this year. The trip happens this weekend but I have developed bicep tendonitis (for the second time this year) in my right arm and it currently hangs uselessly at my side, so it's probably best not to do any activities that require me to hold onto something so that I don't die. Speaking of tendonitis, does anyone else hate it when a word can be spelled two ways and both are correct? Pretty cocky. I'm looking at you too, "judgment".

5) I've been making great strides with my project to get myself back in shape. Sure, I've seen more bare, male ass (at the gym, let me clarify) than anyone should ever be forced to endure, but hopefully it will be worth it.
I faltered for a few weeks but I've been back on track for a bit now (which makes the gimp arm all the more frustrating). I've even been sticking to my good eating habits and that is where I usually mess up the quickest. I have one time attempted to eat badly and fate was against me and foiled my plans. As I [for some reason] jogged up the steps in my house, my foot slipped, causing me to painfully slam my knee into the stairs and to awkwardly hit myself in the face with a hamburger.

6) I'm going to see my grandfather this weekend. His time appears to be growing exceptionally short and I have to make sure I see him at least once more, even though the man he was is buried so deep that he's hard to reach. But he's in there.

When my Mother visited him recently, he was having a good day and they were talking about life and my grandfather told her to tell me "not to worry". As she left, he told her to pass along the message that he'd like to see me. Then he grabbed her and turned her around and said, "No, you tell him I need to see him".
So see me he shall.

And that is all really. I'm back in my optimistic frame of mind and I'm looking forward to the future and seeing where I end up. Not where I expected, but it will be great all the same. There's a few rough patches ahead but I'll make it through.

Friday, July 02, 2010

Well, that was an expensive rejection...

Where to even begin...

I always hate to write negative things, but events of this week are all that will be dominating my mind for the foreseeable future, so I might as well start the venting process.

That move I previously mentioned that I decided to make blew up in my face. I can't make the font bold enough to really drive home the amount of blowing up that happened. It blew up even more than I feared it would when I thought my most negative thoughts about potential results.

Someone very important to me is having a hard time right now. It keeps me up at night with worry and I've felt powerless to do anything. So I decided at least to make sure she knew I was there for her. I'd said the words, but I really wanted to show that, hey, here I am. I wanted M-Pie to know without a doubt I was there for her. I wanted to give her a hug and tell her things would work out. To tell her that I don't say prayers, but that I say them for her.

I didn't get to do any of the things I'd planned. I never really thought it was possible to feel like an asshole for trying to show someone they are important to you, but apparently it's not only possible but really freakin' easy to accomplish.

While there are questions I've desired answers to for a while now, this week was not about that. At all. Yet I received those answers - indirectly - by the reaction of the gamble that I made. The answers were not at all what I wanted.

I have this cold pit in my stomach that feels like a constant nausea. You know the one. I haven't had that feeling since high school. It is not a feeling I've missed. I didn't even think it was possible to feel it more than once a lifetime, because people simply aren't made of tough enough stuff to deal with it multiple times.
Unfortunately they don't make a switch you can just flip to turn your emotions off for someone. But they really should, because I'm in dire need of one right now. That would be the healthiest solution for me. I'm certainly not up for dealing with the problem like I did before. I definitely need to find a better coping mechanism this time.

I guess that 10 years may have been for nothing after all. My stubbornness or willful ignorance doesn't change that fact. And I think it says something about how damaged my brain must be that, even after all the very clear signs of this week, part of me still thinks maybe all is not lost. All I know is that it's not healthy to keep carrying feelings for someone who doesn't - and possibly never did - have any for you. But like I said, there's not a switch to flip.

It's also troubling that - if I can't judge a person or their intentions after 10 years - then how am I ever to make decisions about someone and feel confident with my conclusions? But that's an issue for another time.

Sort of a side point, but the person she is with right now who treats her so terrible makes me furious. For a variety of reasons. I think I can say I've been "furious" about two times in my life, if that gives you a gauge. I don't anger easily. Obviously someone treating a person I think is so special with anything less than near-reverence doesn't make me too happy, but it always upsets me to see a person not appreciate the things - or people - that they have. Especially in this situation. Whereas there's little I want more, this undeserving person (nor to say that I am deserving) has to make no effort to get where he is, and then abuses that position by not treating her like she deserves. And I've no doubt he doesn't understanding how lucky he is.

The fact that his behavior is being tolerated for even a moment sort of lets me know how much she is struggling. Normally I'd expect M-Pie to punch someone like that in the face and then go about her business. It worries me that his nose is still in tip-top shape.

But what can I do?

As much as all the above is weighing on me, wondering about the latest news from her is what is keeping me up tonight. I hope some progress has been made.

Don't release this stranger's hand, cos I think I've got this covered.