Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Moments of Doubt

I am not what you would call religious. The idea of religion in general does not sit well with me. I tend to frown upon religion but I look upon belief or faith - even when they are more simply disguised as hope - far more charitably. I possess those things myself.

I've questioned religious topics my entire life. At least, when I was old enough to realize I should question. Not to the point where I studied religion, but simply that I was very aware of when something I was taught felt wrong. As I grew older, I learned to doubt. and not to just accept simply because I was told by people who "knew better" that this is the way things are.

Certain events in my life helped drive me down the road I am now on. Nothing amazingly dramatic, but people I trusted to provide me with these answers turned out to be flawed. They made mistakes. Some of them huge mistakes that didn't involve me yet I still saw it all happen. I realized they were people. Just normal humans prone to err just like I was. They weren't qualified to give me the answers I needed.

So I question. And I torment myself because my current self conflicts with my past self and his beliefs. The things that I believe now which seem only logical to me at present clash mightily with my young self, who was terrified by scare tactics. Who feared the bite of the flames. Those two sides of myself war constantly, even though one side I've stopped believing for years.
It's rather exhausting.

I believe all the little details are unimportant; you know, those little details that have caused people to argue, clash and kill over the centuries. All of that waste for something that won't matter in the end. It's the overall song that matters, not the notes that make it. Yet it's the little details that keep my mind racing. I feel like I know better but my brain can't convince my sub-conscious. Years of conditioning can do that to you.

I've never doubted the existence of God. Not once. I don't know if I have that capacity, and I'm completely fine, even relieved, with that. I think it's important to note this point; I am not a bitter, jaded person who has suffered great tragedy and feels like his creator has wronged him and thus began to question. I simply think we have been gifted with our minds for a reason. To use them. To seek answers and understanding. To create.
What greater joy could there be to the one who gave you such a gift than to use it to its utmost potential? To utilize such an amazing gift.

Certainly I've doubted a million things I've been fed over the years about what is right, what is wrong, what God frowns upon, what God rewards, what matters, what doesn't. I can't trust people on this and there's no one to look to for answers except myself. That's a hard truth to uncover when you realize the one person who you can go to for answers has none.

Over the weekend, I doubted something new as I lay in bed sleepless. I don't know what conjured the image but for a second - a terrifying second - I doubted an existence of life after death. For that one second, I was completely convinced of the truth of this. And then the moment was gone but I was left a bit shaken. As weary as that one moment made me, I can't imagine going through life with such a belief. That this is it. That there is no great mystery we will get to unravel after we pass on. It must be horrible to live with that constantly gnawing at you.

I would hope for the people who have such views that it would spur them to take better advantage of life than most do. And that when they are done, they will have a pleasant surprise awaiting.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

When I Think About You I...

As I was walking by our training room at work on Friday, a guy who always asks me each time I see him if I've played my guitar lately walked out of the room and saw me. Having for once played a little bit, I beat him to it and said, "hey guess what, I played a little last night". I saw the joy in his eyes as he was about to unleash a barrage of questions. I knew he'd think maybe I'd met up with friends and jammed or some jive, which I did not. So I stopped him before he could ask.

Right when I started to explain, the owner of our company walked out of the room as well. He did not hear any of the conversation leading up to this. It was at this time that I (and I'm not sure WHY I phrased it this way) said "I just stayed home and played with myself all night".
Why didn't I at least say " myself..."? I have no idea. But this poorly worded phrase is all the owner heard. I can't say for sure that he heard me, but I saw a certain look of shame in his eyes.

Earlier that week he had sent out a reminder to the company that we start the day at 8:00. I guess some people roll in late. Regardless of the fact I come in at 7:00, he's probably going to let me slide on the rules a bit. He now knows that I have a lot on my plate and my hands are full. So to speak.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Math is Hard

Math was never exactly my strongest skill, but I like to think I can usually get by with the basics. While working on a project today, I apparently made a slight error when I was writing out a ratio formula. Or perhaps it's accurate and it means our business is doing very well.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

I love it when a plan comes together, but today is not that day

I don't tend to participate in St. Patrick's Day. It's not really my sort of holiday. Today I specifically didn't wear green, perhaps hoping I would get pinched. Thus far, one guy has pinched me...
...this plan is not going at all how I imagined.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Repacking the Bags

Emotions are a strange thing. When this year started, I wouldn't have been able to pinpoint a time in recent years were I was genuinely excited to meet someone and to learn about them. I had forgotten what it was to see a person and feel yourself light up.
I've felt that excitement now twice in three months. I wonder if I gained the capacity because of my recent emotional baggage purge, or if had the capacity all along and it just took the right person to ignite the spark inside of me. And would that spark have taken flame without said purge? Or could it even be that I am sub-consciously making myself experience these things so that I feel I've made progress within myself? I can't imagine that being the case but, if it is, I am far better at fooling myself than I thought possible.

Unfortunately, both of these people have made their escape just as quickly as they broke in through the walls that time had erected around me. And I'm left wondering; do I feel richer for the experience? Or am I stuffing knew baggage into my luggage before it has even had time to air out?
I can tell you I did not miss that feeling of loss when someone special leaves your life. But it is nice to feel that strongly again. I simply haven't been able to determine if one of these things outweighs the other.

I'll keep trying.

Do I quit this game now? Or do I keep on playing?
And I lie in bed still, and I keep on saying...
Is it ever coming? Have I been forsaken?