Friday, July 02, 2010

Well, that was an expensive rejection...

Where to even begin...

I always hate to write negative things, but events of this week are all that will be dominating my mind for the foreseeable future, so I might as well start the venting process.

That move I previously mentioned that I decided to make blew up in my face. I can't make the font bold enough to really drive home the amount of blowing up that happened. It blew up even more than I feared it would when I thought my most negative thoughts about potential results.

Someone very important to me is having a hard time right now. It keeps me up at night with worry and I've felt powerless to do anything. So I decided at least to make sure she knew I was there for her. I'd said the words, but I really wanted to show that, hey, here I am. I wanted M-Pie to know without a doubt I was there for her. I wanted to give her a hug and tell her things would work out. To tell her that I don't say prayers, but that I say them for her.

I didn't get to do any of the things I'd planned. I never really thought it was possible to feel like an asshole for trying to show someone they are important to you, but apparently it's not only possible but really freakin' easy to accomplish.

While there are questions I've desired answers to for a while now, this week was not about that. At all. Yet I received those answers - indirectly - by the reaction of the gamble that I made. The answers were not at all what I wanted.

I have this cold pit in my stomach that feels like a constant nausea. You know the one. I haven't had that feeling since high school. It is not a feeling I've missed. I didn't even think it was possible to feel it more than once a lifetime, because people simply aren't made of tough enough stuff to deal with it multiple times.
Unfortunately they don't make a switch you can just flip to turn your emotions off for someone. But they really should, because I'm in dire need of one right now. That would be the healthiest solution for me. I'm certainly not up for dealing with the problem like I did before. I definitely need to find a better coping mechanism this time.

I guess that 10 years may have been for nothing after all. My stubbornness or willful ignorance doesn't change that fact. And I think it says something about how damaged my brain must be that, even after all the very clear signs of this week, part of me still thinks maybe all is not lost. All I know is that it's not healthy to keep carrying feelings for someone who doesn't - and possibly never did - have any for you. But like I said, there's not a switch to flip.

It's also troubling that - if I can't judge a person or their intentions after 10 years - then how am I ever to make decisions about someone and feel confident with my conclusions? But that's an issue for another time.

Sort of a side point, but the person she is with right now who treats her so terrible makes me furious. For a variety of reasons. I think I can say I've been "furious" about two times in my life, if that gives you a gauge. I don't anger easily. Obviously someone treating a person I think is so special with anything less than near-reverence doesn't make me too happy, but it always upsets me to see a person not appreciate the things - or people - that they have. Especially in this situation. Whereas there's little I want more, this undeserving person (nor to say that I am deserving) has to make no effort to get where he is, and then abuses that position by not treating her like she deserves. And I've no doubt he doesn't understanding how lucky he is.

The fact that his behavior is being tolerated for even a moment sort of lets me know how much she is struggling. Normally I'd expect M-Pie to punch someone like that in the face and then go about her business. It worries me that his nose is still in tip-top shape.

But what can I do?

As much as all the above is weighing on me, wondering about the latest news from her is what is keeping me up tonight. I hope some progress has been made.

Don't release this stranger's hand, cos I think I've got this covered.

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