Friday, March 16, 2012

I Am Troubled

Today has been a strange day for me, and it's not even noon yet.

The word "betrayal" is a strong word. I don't feel like I've ever experienced it. Not in a way that would warrant a use of such a dramatic word, at least. I have friends who have and I've seen the results. It's pretty terrible. Sure, I've had relationships that fell apart, but I've never been cheated on (that I am aware). I've lost friends, but simply through growing apart and not something terrible happening. But never betrayed. I feel like I got a little taste of betrayal today.

I have a friend (or HAD, I guess) who I've known for over 10 years now. We've always been close, or so I thought. Over all the years while she was moving to various places for school, we always stayed in touch and talked often. She felt like one of the cornerstones of my life, of who I am, much the same way that my family does, or my best friend, or other such staples in my life.

I haven't heard from this friend in about a year which was after a very passionate - and I realize now, ironic - speech from her about how I was the only one in her life who was always there for her no matter what the situation was and how much she appreciated it And then I never heard from her again. That was over a year ago.

I couldn't reach her via phone, email, Facebook, anything. She had been really sick for a while and no one knew why, and I was afraid the worst had happened and she was dead, but I couldn't find out. I obsessively searched obituaries in the areas she had last lived. I couldn't find any news of her of any kind, and I'm usually pretty good at playing detective. So naturally I was terrified. Not knowing was awful.

Last night I had a dream about her. I don't recall the subject, just that when I woke up, the worry had set in and I ran upstairs to begin the search anew. But it didn't take long; Facebook saved me some time, seeing that she finally had some activity going on. Unless someone hijacked her account, she's alive and active. I'm now torn between relief and fury, and people who know me know that 'fury' isn't a word that can ever describe me.

Obviously I'm relieved she is alive. I had no idea how much stress that was causing me until I felt the overwhelming weight lift from my shoulders that I didn't realize I was carrying. But with the good comes the back, and her being fine means she's received my many attempts at communication, my frantic inquiries on if she was alive and she knows how worried I was. And she didn't give a shit. Instead of even the quickest reply of "I'm fine", she thought it was totally fine to let the guy who she said is always there for her assume she might be dead. That is what I'm worth to her. I feel bad for her friends who weren't as reliable as I was.

What kind of person is this? My friend April says I am very good at seeing through the BS of people and seeing what kind of person they really are. So how is it that I could be so completely fooled by the quality of this individual for over a decade? How is it so possible to be THIS wrong about someone? And how will I ever find rest and comfort in knowing another person when in the back of my mind this memory will nag at me and constantly remind me that, hey, you might not know who they truly are even a little bit.


Rka said...

It's happened to me too--save the sickness part. Not an easy thing to deal with especially if you already have trust issues. That sucks--I hope you get closure from her

Ah-rees! said...

Maybe she didn't know how worried you are and that she didn't know you thought she was dead. I think you should message her in FB and ask her why she hasn't kept in touch. Better than being angry at her. She might have her reasons, you know.