Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Just Pondering

I've been thinking a lot about Loba lately. There's no doubt that I've become the person I am today because of her. Poor decisions I made required a lot of later internal reflection that I hope changed me for the better, though they also eventually led to the complete decimation of my self-confidence of which I still struggle with recovering. I used to be arrogant; can you believe it?
I often wonder how different my life might have been had I said "no" instead of "yes" to her all those years ago. Would I have never grown? Would I be one of those people in couples that you look at and wonder how the other can tolerate them? Or would I have managed to become the person she deserves? I hope for the latter, I fear the former.

I've been thinking about M-Pie. Where has she vanished? What was it I did from so far away that caused her egress, sans explanation, and what could it have been that was so terrible that it overpowered all my positive thoughts and constant well-wishes for everything in her life? When did our powerful connection and friendship become brittle? Has she changed or do I do terrible things so often that I don't even realize they are terrible any longer? I fear both.

I've been wondering about my Bosco's companion. Could telling a friend how proud you are to have them as a friend and that you wished more people were like them - how they raise the bar so impossibly high - actually ruin a friendship? Sometimes I say too much on those rare times that I don't say too little. Did I at last say far too much? Who then will I tango with in the street?

There's precious few people worth truly knowing in this world, and I fear that I've already lost the most important of them. I try not to let it worry me, to weight me down.

I've been thinking about you; I always do. I love and miss each of you every moment of every day. And maybe that is worth something. No one can say I didn't try, but maybe they will say I could have tried a little harder.

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