Dating in 2014: Yep, Still Confusing

Having been off the dating market for a while, I had this strange notion that when I was forced back into that world that it would be a new animal from the one I'd unsuccessfully tried to tame last time. Turns out it's pretty much the same as I left it. Which is to say it's 90% exhausting, confusing, and confidence-destroying with the remaining 10% being amazing. The amazing part doesn't always balance out having to tolerate the other parts, but it's all worth it when it does. I love the thrill of getting to know someone who has the potential to be an incredible presence in your life and a person who enriches you in ways you did not anticipate. There's all of these possibilities for the future that suddenly open up in front of you and you can't wait to see where things go. Unfortunately there is (usually) a whole lot of the 90% happening before you get to that point.

I have never been cut out for 'dating'. When I was in my late teens/early 20's, I didn't have to date. Somehow I would always meet someone that I would hit it off with and then we'd "go out" or whatever it's called now. We would see each other exclusively, we'd label each other boyfriend/girlfriend, and so on. Looking back, I didn't realize how amazingly unusual and lucky that was. I just assumed that is how it worked for everyone. When I moved to Nashville at 24 suddenly I had to start dating and I had no clue how it was done. 9 years later, I still have no idea.

There were a lot of things I had to learn over the years that aren't remotely self-evident.
I didn't realize people who said "let's get together again" might not mean what they said. I've never been great at letting someone down but I don't say "I want to see you again" when I don't mean it. And neither should you. I'm a big boy, I've been loved plenty of times but I've always been rejected plenty of times. I can handle it. Just say "nice to meet you"...if you don't return my calls after that, I get it.

I didn't realize that some people actually take "dating rules" seriously, such as waiting two days to call someone. If I like someone, they seem to like me, and I feel like talking to them...I call. I'm daredevil like that. I don't want to tell you how many people have been offended by my thought process on this subject.

I didn't realize how many times I would get a date mad at me for opening the door for her. I certainly didn't realize one day I'd be cussed out in front of a restaurant for doing it. She screamed at me that she was "not fucking helpless" but I already knew that. After all, she'd driven herself to meet me and I assumed there were at least two times she had to open a door to make it happen. That's just how I was raised. It's a polite thing, not a male/female thing. She failed to see that I also opened the door for the gentleman who was right next to us.

I didn't realize that people would be going out on dates with multiple people at the same time. That was never my style, but in the dating world if you don't do that, you risk wasting your time because someone else is and they decide they want to get to know another person instead of you.

There was a whole lot of shit I just didn't realize and, now that I do, I just don't understand. I also don't really want to understand. I don't want to get "good" at dating and become an efficient date machine. That's not the person I want to be. I'm not out there to date, I'm out there to meet someone special. Being optimistic as I am and mixing that in with all of the real world experiences I've had which have caused disappointments, let-downs, and heartaches has created in me an uneasy combination of jaded and hopeless romantic.

Despite all my past experience, I was excited to get back to dating after having been in an important - yet unfortunately stalled - relationship for the past year and a half. That feeling of excitement of just who I might meet welled up strong. But...dating can be unforgiving on your ego which I'd evidently forgotten. I take rejection too personally even now in my 30's. It's a problem I've always had. Even realizing that rejection is so often not even about you as a person, your mind can always make it be. Maybe that's a little arrogant but I know so many people, myself included, who roll that way. Dating can take your feeling of self-worth and demolish it before you realize it is happening. One day you're walking confident and tall, daring the world to challenge you, and the next you're looking at your feet when you walk and slumping your shoulders under a weight you didn't even realize you'd started to toil beneath.

Take my most recent date, which was my first date since getting back on the horse. I went from feeling like I had so much to offer people to feeling completely worthless and like no one could be trusted.
I met her for brunch in Germantown, a nice low pressure situation where we could actually talk and get to know one another. It's so rare for me to meet anyone I hit it off with and want to see again, but I quickly found myself leaning forward to make sure to catch everything she said and was excited when she agreed to meet up again. I can't stress how rare actual excitement is when it comes to dating anymore.
The next weekend, I sat with her in the park while we watched live music. Close enough to enjoy it, far enough back where we could talk. Which we did for about 5 hours. I enjoyed listening to tales of her life while she would unconsciously grab a handful of her hair in a fist then flip it over her shoulder, wafting her pleasant shampoo scent my way. And when it began to rain for a short time, I even had the pleasure to chivalrously hold the umbrella for her. She scooted in closer to make sure we were both fully under it. It was adorable.
We talked frankly of past relationships, and how strange dating could be, and I was refreshed by how candid and honest she seemed about everything. She even brought up how frustrating it was when people would say they wanted to get together again and yet you never heard from them after that. As we were parting - myself a bit more smitten than I had been earlier- I was obviously pleased when she told me she wanted to get together next week, followed by a "I really mean that, I'm not just saying it."
I'm sure you can imagine my confusion when she cancelled on me a day before our third.

This was one of those situations where the ego makes it all about you when it probably isn't. In classic form, my mind made her decision all about my failings and all I could think was that if you can't rely on someone as adamant about going out again as she was, how are you ever supposed to know or trust what someone says? And also that I sucked and everyone hated me.
It turns out she'd met someone several weeks before me that she'd also been out on (several more) dates with (see, everyone does it) and it had started to get serious so naturally she wanted to see where it went. Assuming she was being honest - which I want to believe she was - that is a reason I can completely understand. I've been in that situation before, though I admit it's not fun to be on the receiving end. But in fairness, it's terrible to have to decide between two people when you think highly of them both. I'd like to think she agonized over the decision though I have no proof that. But it comforts me so that's what I'm going with. Despite feeling more at ease about the situation now that I've had a bit of time to step away from it, I'm still very disappointed I won't get to see her again and I'm trying my best not to be bitter about it even though sometimes I struggle to refrain from wishing ill on their relationship.
Though it would have been nice if she'd at least told me more than 18 hours before our date so I could try and make new plans.

Anyone out there who is going through these same struggles as I, you have my sympathy. Also, stop dating the few girls I like.

"I remember that look, the last one you gave me.
A kiss on the cheek, as you were leaving.
The last thing you said was 'I'll see you again'
But we both know we won't-"

Repacking the Bags

Emotions are a strange thing. When this year started, I wouldn't have been able to pinpoint a time in recent years were I was genuinely excited to meet someone and to learn about them. I had forgotten what it was to see a person and feel yourself light up.
I've felt that excitement now twice in three months. I wonder if I gained the capacity because of my recent emotional baggage purge, or if had the capacity all along and it just took the right person to ignite the spark inside of me. And would that spark have taken flame without said purge? Or could it even be that I am sub-consciously making myself experience these things so that I feel I've made progress within myself? I can't imagine that being the case but, if it is, I am far better at fooling myself than I thought possible.

Unfortunately, both of these people have made their escape just as quickly as they broke in through the walls that time had erected around me. And I'm left wondering; do I feel richer for the experience? Or am I stuffing knew baggage into my luggage before it has even had time to air out?
I can tell you I did not miss that feeling of loss when someone special leaves your life. But it is nice to feel that strongly again. I simply haven't been able to determine if one of these things outweighs the other.

I'll keep trying.

Do I quit this game now? Or do I keep on playing?
And I lie in bed still, and I keep on saying...
Is it ever coming? Have I been forsaken?

I'll Keep Digging

It has been an interesting few weeks. I recently met someone who showed me something very unexpected. She showed me that I still had the capacity to get excited about getting to know someone. That may sound silly to possibly everyone who isn't me, but it's been a long time since I've known that feeling. So long in fact that I was beginning to think I had lost the ability and that something was wrong with me. It's nice to learn you're not dead inside.

I was inspired. I'm very aware of the hang-ups from the past that I have. So I decided to emotionally and physically purge all the old relationship baggage I've been dragging around for so many years. Old notes/letters/emails? Burned and deleted. Regret over relationships that went awry in the past? Get that out of here. And even the most recent where I don't even know what happened because the person refuses to communicate? One last contact attempt to try and get some closure. No responses. She must not be worth the time. I moved on.

It felt good to have that burden off my shoulders. I wanted to go into this without clinging on to anything that might hinder me. Finally, here was someone I was ready to do that for. Someone who really deserved it.

The downside to learning that you still have the capacity to feel excitement for someone is learning that, when that person decides things aren't going to work out, you certainly still have the capacity to feel heartache. I learned that lesson this morning.

As depressing as it is, I have to look at the positive side and be glad something good came out of it even if it didn't go how I'd hoped. I just have to take care and not let her be the first baggage I carry to the next relationship. I can already feel the weight on my shoulders.

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life; I know you'll be a sun.
In somebody else's sky but why...
why can't it be mine?

Layers of Complexity

As I begin to close in on turning 30, I look back and wonder how I could have ever possibly thought I would have met a proverbial "the one" by now. I clearly recall believing any other outcome was impossible. 25 at the latest, I assumed. But at 20, turning 30 seemed decades away.

I would see TV shows where the characters were around 30 and they were struggling to meet their significant other and I thought to myself, "how sad that must be, I'm glad that will never happen to me" which goes to show you that my goal of "become a psychic by 30" didn't exactly pan out either. Of course it may even be that I did meet this person, but didn't know enough at the time to handle it the way it should have been handled.

I am just now getting to a point where I feel like I might be ready to meet said individual, despite all the past years where I was impatient for it. There's so much to right about yourself first, how is anyone ever ready at a young age? I won't be bold enough to claim they aren't but I can say I certainly wasn't ready and I have been witness to many friends who haven't been ready. Some realized it then, some are realizing it only just now. I feel everyone should be given a do-over for the last decade when you hit 30. It only seems fair.

It's taken a lot of effort to get where I am today, and I see so many improvements yet to make that is can be overwhelming. I've had to take so much time to learn who I am. A continually evolving process, often painful when you discover things about yourself that you don't like. A lot of the time I still wonder about me.

I've had to learn how to let go of a few people from the past. I managed that only very recently after I finally understood how damaging it was to me and the vast array of other problems it was causing. How I missed it all this time is a mystery because when the revelation came, it was an iron-fisted backhand to the face. Not to mention everyone else noticed. But really, who takes advice?

Then there was a long stretch of time - partly due to the previous issue - where I was completely unable to feel any excitement for another person that you need to feel to be anything more than friends. I had forgotten what it was like to feel that tug deep inside about someone that kept you up at night wondering just how you could be part of this person's life? How do I become important to such an amazing individual? Making that happen of course is a whole different set of complications. I'm still working on that one.

After resolving a few personal issues, I was forced to examine the growing level of complexity that is involved in meeting people. There's a lot more to it than simply introducing yourself to someone new, no matter what people claim.
As a younger guy, there wasn't really much I had to concern myself with; did the girl like me and was she dating anyone? Oh, if only it was so simple now.

As I grew a little older I had to start worrying if they were married. I recall the very second this happened. Walking down the boring, white hall of the community college, 3 feet behind a girl, trying to work up the nerve to speak with her. She was short, with curly shoulder length hair that often fell in her face. She walked too fast. As I opened my mouth to awkwardly say hello, she brushed her hair back behind her ears with her left hand. She had an engagement ring on. Suddenly my view of meeting women went from a simple two part problem ("yes I like you", "no I don't") to a complex, rubik's cube puzzle that would punch you right in the soul every time you turned a layer the wrong way. Something inside me died that day.

As I grew older still, I had to consider that they might have kids. And, yes, I realize that this and the previous complication could easily be in an alternate order. Finally, the last few years I'm noticing that a lot of people my age are realizing they made a mistake early on and are getting divorced by the boat-load. And I tell you that dating someone who has been divorced (in my experience) is a different animal.

There's so many things to balance. So many things to get right. How can anyone expect anyone else to get everything right? But requirements get more and more strict. I know mine do.

Even when I think I'm on top of things, I often miss something minor yet vital. I can be oblivious when I've fooled myself into thinking I was being perceptive. But I've been trying to think of it as a chance to improve rather than as a weight stacking against my odds.

It's a lot to juggle but I'm sure the right person is worth it. I am waiting to find out.